here we go. a confessional of the internet variety:
i am into astrology. i really enjoy learning about it. and, I read a LOT of self help books. i like to think i am continually pushing the envelope into my self-growth, and it is necessary, even if i stumble and re-do the same lesson about thirty times. that's called accidental wisdom.
HOWEVER--I don't advertise that fact and I surely can't share it. I have a lot of friends where they believe that my faith in God is in question because I do so much circumspection. They question my faith and my ability to just push on and pray and hope everything turns out okay, which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact i need some baby steps to get there...if I followed that line of thinking, I would be a much hotter mess than I am now. I am learning about faith in the way in which I can embrace, which is less about believing something I have no experience of and more about experiencing and taking a big steps in making the life I want to live. I am in no way a proponent of a homogenized one-size-fits-all approach to faith and the even more diverse subject of humanity, but in all seriousness, life is a buffet: you take what you want and leave the rest. Not only this, but the people that can just pray and let go are people I am jealous of--I WISH I could just shut off my conditioning and experiential learning I have picked up in this world to let go as much as they can--as I said, baby steps. What my learning has posited me against in my adventure is completely different from anyone else's, and if my sensitivity is more heightened regarding where the moon is in the sky, then so be it.
not into pictures. never really have been because working on social media is like homework, and it's frustrating to see a bunch of friends be so active on it while working 40 hours a week. Sad thing is, while I worked a desk job it was quite similar, and I found myself always on the damn computer wanting to waste the time. Nowadays time is more valuable than money, and often I find myself wanting to waste it as much as used to...just to be a drone, to not be completing or in the process of anything, to be working in the process overall, but not actually be doing anything. Mindlessness.
Problem is, when you are hyper time aware as I am, it becomes a thing- wait, I didn't do anything productive today...minus taking a shower...? Yikes. Can't do it anymore. I can't even fall back on my old method of time wasting, known as small baby parenting, which is a LOT of time wasting and never sleeping.
So this is sometimes all I can get done in the daytime. And I'm okay with at least having some sort of thing coming out of all of this frustration and waiting that job-seeking entails, all without mindlessly leafing through Facebook. Again, something I would never post. :)
the other and last thing for today....I am pregnant. not being into pictures, it comes as an annoyance that social media is just another thing to keep up with, and this is not an exception. I honestly want the attention and likes that this news can get me, and have already elaborately planned my reveal in doing so.... however, I also DON'T want it. Like, it's just another ruse to get people to pay attention to me, which I cannot stand and have a love-hate relationship with. Is it ridiculous to assume I don't want to broadcast innate details of my life but at the same time I need to be acknowledged for them?
And why do I need to be acknowledged? And, I wrestle with the fact that attention means...and especially on the internet...ALL attention, good and bad. You think I am so into myself and needing praise and support that I am willing to risk feeling like crap because someone doesn't understand or respect my birth plan (I give birth at home, hospitals are for sick people)?
Anyhoo, the dichotomy runs quite deep. The idea that I want the attention and have a strong aversion to it are the bits in which can be too much to bear in the ever changing evolution of me as a human being. I've struggled with it more and more in the last few years and have been trying to piecemeal it together.
Support versus doing this on my own, or, it can be juxtaposed as greedy attention grabbing versus having dignity and humility.
Ew. Who knew that this diatribe of why I hate posting intimate details of my life is not my thing would eventually turn the light onto myself and my pure motivations?
i am into astrology. i really enjoy learning about it. and, I read a LOT of self help books. i like to think i am continually pushing the envelope into my self-growth, and it is necessary, even if i stumble and re-do the same lesson about thirty times. that's called accidental wisdom.
HOWEVER--I don't advertise that fact and I surely can't share it. I have a lot of friends where they believe that my faith in God is in question because I do so much circumspection. They question my faith and my ability to just push on and pray and hope everything turns out okay, which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact i need some baby steps to get there...if I followed that line of thinking, I would be a much hotter mess than I am now. I am learning about faith in the way in which I can embrace, which is less about believing something I have no experience of and more about experiencing and taking a big steps in making the life I want to live. I am in no way a proponent of a homogenized one-size-fits-all approach to faith and the even more diverse subject of humanity, but in all seriousness, life is a buffet: you take what you want and leave the rest. Not only this, but the people that can just pray and let go are people I am jealous of--I WISH I could just shut off my conditioning and experiential learning I have picked up in this world to let go as much as they can--as I said, baby steps. What my learning has posited me against in my adventure is completely different from anyone else's, and if my sensitivity is more heightened regarding where the moon is in the sky, then so be it.
not into pictures. never really have been because working on social media is like homework, and it's frustrating to see a bunch of friends be so active on it while working 40 hours a week. Sad thing is, while I worked a desk job it was quite similar, and I found myself always on the damn computer wanting to waste the time. Nowadays time is more valuable than money, and often I find myself wanting to waste it as much as used to...just to be a drone, to not be completing or in the process of anything, to be working in the process overall, but not actually be doing anything. Mindlessness.
Problem is, when you are hyper time aware as I am, it becomes a thing- wait, I didn't do anything productive today...minus taking a shower...? Yikes. Can't do it anymore. I can't even fall back on my old method of time wasting, known as small baby parenting, which is a LOT of time wasting and never sleeping.
So this is sometimes all I can get done in the daytime. And I'm okay with at least having some sort of thing coming out of all of this frustration and waiting that job-seeking entails, all without mindlessly leafing through Facebook. Again, something I would never post. :)
the other and last thing for today....I am pregnant. not being into pictures, it comes as an annoyance that social media is just another thing to keep up with, and this is not an exception. I honestly want the attention and likes that this news can get me, and have already elaborately planned my reveal in doing so.... however, I also DON'T want it. Like, it's just another ruse to get people to pay attention to me, which I cannot stand and have a love-hate relationship with. Is it ridiculous to assume I don't want to broadcast innate details of my life but at the same time I need to be acknowledged for them?
And why do I need to be acknowledged? And, I wrestle with the fact that attention means...and especially on the internet...ALL attention, good and bad. You think I am so into myself and needing praise and support that I am willing to risk feeling like crap because someone doesn't understand or respect my birth plan (I give birth at home, hospitals are for sick people)?
Anyhoo, the dichotomy runs quite deep. The idea that I want the attention and have a strong aversion to it are the bits in which can be too much to bear in the ever changing evolution of me as a human being. I've struggled with it more and more in the last few years and have been trying to piecemeal it together.
Support versus doing this on my own, or, it can be juxtaposed as greedy attention grabbing versus having dignity and humility.
Ew. Who knew that this diatribe of why I hate posting intimate details of my life is not my thing would eventually turn the light onto myself and my pure motivations?
